Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 6

Avalon,  2:26 AM , wt. 244  

Tebow

My weight is going in the wrong direction.  On New Year’s Day it was 240 ½ .  And of course, looking around for someone else to blame, I come quickly to this church fast log.  I know it was my idea to post a daily entry, but you sanctioned it. You knew that I would fall behind, and would have to scramble to get caught back up.  I mean, in every one of my fifty-three book projects, that has been the case. At the beginning, I fritter away time, until all margin for error is used up, and I am forced to take heroic measures, to get the project done on time.  It has been ever thus.

But I was sure that this time, it would be different.  This time – has, alas, turned out like all the other times. And I have been using the added stress of  a daily deadline (never mind that it was self-imposed), as an excuse to eat whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it.    

I am not saying anything.

And I am not accusing you – well, not directly. The worst of it is, I know you will help me with extra grace, when and if I choose to stand against my self-indulgence. You always do. And I know you want me to.  Not just now, but always. You don’t have to say anything; you have already said all that needs to be said, in your Word: “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

Come to think of it, you did say something to me to that effect, a couple of months ago, when I was lamenting the lack of grace on my morning dialoguing with you. I mean, the grace was still there, but not like, hitherto.  Not with that wondrous intensity that makes any day or any situation not just endurable but joyful. Talk about joy coming in the morning! You remember what you said?

In addition to being omnipotent and omniscient and omnipresent, my memory is perfect – unless I choose to forget a repented-of sin.

You said: If you want there to be more of me, there needs to be less of you. I had no response. I looked down, and there was a volleyball in my lap. 

All you have to do is make up your mind. Then once you set your will, don’t unset it.  And you are right: not only will I help you with commensurate grace, I will ensure that the temptation to abandon your fast will not be more than you can withstand. I will even provide an escape, if necessary.  

You already have, in a way. The Patriots will not be playing this afternoon. They have a bye week. So I will not be tempted to nibble as Rome burns.

Pray for your friends in Baton Rouge tomorrow night, when LSU’s fate will have their undivided attention.

Father, this is trivial, but I must pursue it: do you ever take sides in our sporting events?  I fondly remember those 1930’s movies, where the sisters unabashedly prayed for Notre Dame.

What happens on the field purports to be a self-contained morality play with perceived good and evil, depending on which side of the stadium you happen to be sitting on. Yet as in life, nothing is ever as uncomplicated as it appears.  Shall I reward Tim Tebow for his bold declaration of his faith?  Or is he overdue for his first pruning? If I do reward him, and answer the prayers of his faithful following, desperate for a champion, will his exploits continue to provide nothing more than a bully pulpit? Will he dedicate the rest of his life, on the field and off, to serving me? And what of the prayers of the players on the teams he plays against? Especially those who are simply praying that no one, on either side, receives a career-ending injury?

Hmm. . . .  I think I will continue to assume that all playing fields are strictly neutral in your eyes.

A wise decision.

V V V

Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 5

The dork side

All right, Father, where would you have me go with this?

Have fun. Our life together is not all sober reflection. 

Far from it.

Let the reader see the light side.

I have to ask: the words, please.

Jesus Christ is Lord, come in the flesh.  And never hesitate to test the spirit of what you are hearing.

I do not want to offend or presume.

I set up the test, remember? 

In I John 4: 2.

The other one, masquerading as me, might attempt to intimidate you, to keep you from testing; I never will. 

Father, you said to have fun. This is pathetic: I don’t even know how.

Come now, you are giving a dialoguing a bad name. 

I know! And now. . . . I am even more paralyzed.

You know what the sin is.

Pride. . . . I don’t want to dork it up.

You already have.

Great. Welcome to the dork side.

Relax. I will remind you of some of our light times.

The first time that comes to mind is years ago, shortly after we began. I was really angry at you, accusing you of not holding up your end of the bargain. We were acutely short of funds, as I recall (What else is new?), and I blamed you. I went somewhere, where I could shout at you and not be overheard. [Sidebar: I teach others that they might as well scream out loud at you, if that is the way they feel; you already know exactly how frustrated they are, and at what decibel level they would like to express it.  So go ahead; it will do you good to get it out of your system. If necessary, get in the family car and roll up the windows.]

Anyway, I let you have it. Here I was, busting my hump for you, and you were not taking care of my family’s needs. You waited until I finally subsided, then in the ensuing silence I heard you say,

My son, do not mistake me for Saint Nicholas. You will never have as much as you want. You will always have as much as you need.

And that has proven to be the case.  It’s ironic; we actually have less to live on now, than we did back then. But we have enough.  And through these difficult times of straitened circumstances  [that all of us seem to be going through, and which someone’s grandmother likened to “trying to live off the smell of a greased rag”], the important thing is to keep our end of the pipeline open, when we might be tempted to cut back, or tithe off the net, instead of off the first fruits.

Pick up there tomorrow.

Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 4

Father, CLF21 for today?

Go as you are being led.

Roger. I just needed to know it was you doing the leading.

What did you say yesterday about testing the spirit of what was being said?

Did it sound like you? Was the spirit of it in harmony with all your other words? After all these years, I should know the voice of the Shepherd – was it Him?

I showed you something else, which you did not pick up on, and almost did not now.

You are referring to the ever-present danger of a word being influenced by one’s ego or will, his personal desire or intellectual conviction.

Pride.

The Lucifer sin.  Deadliest of the seven deadlies. The pit so well disguised that the believer falls into it, unaware. The snare so artfully set that he often continues in it without realizing he’s been caught.

Use the example of the Gollum.

Not long after you began using me to encourage others, Tolkien’s Ring trilogy was brought to the screen. Perhaps the most repellant of his creations was the Gollum.  Once he had been a normal hobbit with all the resident virtues of Middle Earth. Then he had come into possession of the Ring, the ultimate power of self, and it had deformed him into a loathsome creature, hideous to behold.

            You showed me that my ego was like that.  I kept him locked away in a dungeon in the lowest sub-basement of my castle.  But he was a crafty one. Hearing me entertaining guests in the great hall, very quietly he would pick the lock and creep up the back stairs. Suddenly, there he would be, cavorting among the guests, displaying himself, and it would be too late to do anything about it.

            Furious, I would grab him by the scruff of his neck and march him back down to the dungeon, throwing him in and changing the lock. There, he would remain in disgrace – until the next time.

It is a not-uncommon problem.

How often have I heard someone speak a prophetic word under a powerful anointing.  All present witness to the power and authority of the Almighty.  Goose bumps rise; scalps tighten. But the speaker goes on – past the perfect end-point, and the next, and the next. His word might have begun in the Spirit, but it is finishing in the flesh. Listeners who were awed are now squirming.  And the saddest part?  The speaker was unaware that the anointing had dissipated.

How do you deal with your own pride, when I call upon you to speak. ?

I mock it.  “Pour contempt on it,” as Isaac Watts put it. I make fun of myself, stuck in pride, and as people laugh, they relax. And allow the Holy Spirit of convict them of doing much the same.

            If I come to the end of a story or a point, and don’t know exactly where you would have me go next, I will just stand there and wait. If the pause becomes prolonged, I might tell them: “If you’re wondering why I’m standing here like a doofus, it’s because I don’t know where the Spirit wants to go next.  Of course, I could fill the void by running my mouth. My ego would enjoy that, but you would hardly be edified.”

And when you are writing?

There, I’m wholly dependent on your grace. After all these years, I know when it is with me, and when it isn’t. In the beginning, the whole thing used to make me angry. I didn’t care for you peering over my shoulder, as I typed, and I liked it even less, when you would abruptly depart. Particularly if it was a point I was determined to make, or a scene I of which I was overly enamored.  In those early days I might have gone several pages, before I realized that the champagne had gone flat.  I would have to go back then, to where it still had bubbles, and start again from there.  Invariably, it would mean eschewing some pet hobby horse or refraining from dipping my pen in heliotrope ink.

You became willing to submit to the pruner’s hook.

The process was painful. (It still is.) But the alternative – putting forth less than the best that I was capable of – was worse.  I came to appreciate my senior writing partner.  You would never do it for me, but you delighted in being asked to do it with me.  You are, after all, the Creator Spirit. So when one of your creatures, to whom you have given the Gift of Telling, in paint or song or dance or story –  or life – asks you to help them use their gift to glorify you, nothing gives you greater joy.

In the beginning, I encourage a new vine with rain and sun and rich soil. But the time comes, when the vine must be pruned. And the more severe the pruning, the better the fruit. 

I know that – now. But how I resented your steadfast refusal to allow me to compromise!  What difference did it make if it was merely good? Good was good enough! No one would know, anyway. Most would think good was fine.   

You and I would know.

Yes. And so now I teach – not just in writing but in all things – that the Number One enemy of best is good.  As Oswald Chambers attested, you are calling us to give nothing less than our utmost, for your highest glory.   

Has it not served you well?

It has. In thirty-nine years I have written or ghosted or collaborated on fifty-three book projects. 

Were they successful?

In your eyes, they were.  In other eyes, too.  Those with discernment for such things  declared they all had an anointing.

To what do you attribute that?

Holding myself accountable to the Vinedresser.  Returning again and again for further pruning. In the beginning, I thought three or four drafts were enough and mentioned that one day to my friend John Sherrill [who ghosted The Cross and the Switchblade for David Wilkerson].  I asked him how many drafts he did of one of his pieces in Guideposts. Ten to thirteen, he replied.  That was when I first learned what I now teach:  Good writing is re-writing. Each time we return to the Vinedresser, we are asking you to help us make it as good as it can possibly be.

That is enough for today.

Amen.

Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 3

CLF21 Day 3 DM

Avalon, 9:46 AM, wt. 239

Distinguishing Between the Spirits

Distinguishing Between the Spirits

V V V

All right, Father, I see where you are going – not at all where I would have gone, but most assuredly were you want to go.  I feel uneasy, being so out of control – a passenger on this train, instead of its engineer. But I suspect that is a good thing. And now you are reminding me that this is the way it always is, when you begin to revive a church or awaken a thirsting people. You prefer divine chaos to good order. You want us scrambling to catch up with what you have begun, praying on the run, as it were, to see what you would have us do next.  You prefer your leaders to be leaning on the Holy Spirit, listening inwardly together, because we are desperate to get it right this time, and not attempt to do it in our own strength. Well, it looks like you are going to have your way.

This is your Father, and I approve of this message. Continue.

I always get suspicious, when you are encouraging. So let us pause for a moment, for a light check. In your Word, you urge us to test the spirits (I John 4), and you provide the test: So let me hear you say the words that are so difficult for an unclean spirit to pronounce, as they admit that their side is already defeated.

Jesus Christ is Lord, come in the flesh.

While that test is hardly fool-proof, it has caught low-level devils off guard and occasionally exposed a significant unholy spirit, masquerading as the Holy Spirit.  No test is infallible, of course; even the very elect can be deceived (Mark 24:24).  

 But in John 10:4, the Lord emphasizes that His sheep follow Him, because they have come to know His voice. That knowing is the fruit of years of interior listening. 

To judge any spirit (including the one behind the blue ink in this journal), first plead the Blood over your body, mind, soul, and spirit. Then pray for an extra measure of the Holy Spirit’s gifts of wisdom and discernment (which literally means “the ability to distinguish between spirits”). Then ask yourself: does the word being discerned align with the plumb-line of Scripture? If there is the slightest deviation, discard it. The Logos (the written Word of God) trumps the rhema (God’s Spirit speaking in our hearts) every time.

Ultimately you must decide whether the voice you are discerning reflects the desire of the Holy Spirit, or an unholy spirit which happens to be familiar with your dossier.  Is it in any way directive?  God suggests or calls or encourages. He deplores and commends, chastises and forgives. And sometimes He issues Commandments. But preserving our free will is so important to Him, that almost never does He direct.  Actually, we, being spiritually lazy, often wish He would. If we could just be certain we have His will, we could do it and be right.  But He wants companions, not puppets, and so, whenever we face a difficult and complicated decision, there is no easy way to arrive at it, no alternative to taking the time to sift and sort it all out with Him. But that’s another story for another time.

Finally, check you discernment out with someone else – in whose spiritual wisdom you have confidence, and who does not have a horse in that race.

V V V

Whew! That was quite a parenthetical comment.

It was necessary, and this is the right time for it.

I see that.  We were talking about big-R Revival preceding another Great Awakening, and your preference for Divine Chaos over orderly proceedings.  We don’t like being out of control. And so, out of fear that things might not go the right way (or any acceptable way, for that matter), we grab the wheel with a white-knuckle grip.

That is enough for today. You just yawned, and so did the reader.

Amen.

Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 2

Avalon, 5:56 PM, wt. 239

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Joy Cometh in the Morning

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Not twenty-four hours had passed from the beginning of Christian Life Fellowship’s 21-day church fast, before I had broken every one of my noble intentions for the fast. It was as if the other one had been looking over my shoulder as I enumerated what I was going to give up for God.  Then he smiled as he plotted to see how quickly each one could be brought to no account.

A nice lunch out after Sunday church took care of denial.  It was okay to watch the Patriots, but I kept the TV on afterwards – so much for eschewing.  And I won’t even go into what happened on the walk of love, when I was asked to give up the first quarter of the football game, to run errands and exchange gifts on the way home. 

So when it was time to tally up the day, I was beyond chagrin and well into despair.  All I could do was nod in agreement, as the other one spoke with consummate disdain of my unworthiness for any kind of leadership. Not even pleading the Blood helped much. He was right.

But as I, out of abject misery, sought the Father, I was surprised to find that He was not nearly as dismayed as I was. Indeed, it was now He who was smiling, as He reminded me of how often my namesake had begun a Psalm in utter consternation, only to have all the angry waves smoothed out by the time the Psalm ended.  If that David could derive the necessary comfort from the journal process, this one could, also.

V V V

I got off to such a good start yesterday, Father. The sun was shining; there was grace everywhere, and then – the roof caved in. And the worst of it was, I think I knew it was the other one tempting me, and yet I still rose to the bait.  And now –

My son, do you want to be good or look good?

Um, both, I guess.  And now – I can do neither.

Do I love you any less?

No.  But I have grievously disappointed both of us.

And I let you.

That’s true. You could have given me a sharp check in my spirit – sharp enough to dissuade me from derailing the train, before it even got out of the station. But it was not you who let us down; it was me.

How many fasts have you entered into, in the forty-two years that we have known each other?

Many.

Did they all start off clean?

Most did. But there were times when I seemed to get into it gradually. But this time, I wanted – I think we wanted me – to lead by my example.

We did.

And it started off great – good Scriptures, good teaching points, an up ending. . . . And then – well, you saw what happened.

What do you want to do now?

I can’t start over; what’s done is done. Though even now, I keep wishing that by some miracle, I actually could start over. . . .  You are still on the throne, and you are the Miracle-Worker; is there any way we can rewind time?   

So you can still look good?

You’re right; it would be a lie.

What if – you were not to present yourself as without spot or blemish? What if you were merely a struggling sinner, like those whom you hope to encourage?  

I wanted this to be a wonderful step forward (for me, too) into a new vista, a new intimacy with you.

It still can be. You just won’t look as good as you wanted to.

You want me to do this?  Present myself to you and them –

and yourself –

as a struggling sinner, warts and all?  Why would they even come?

Because I will inform their spirits that I approve of your spirit, flawed as it is.  Remember, this fast is not for the newly-arrived in my Kingdom. This is for those who have been with me a long time – long enough to become my friends, as well as my sometimes good and mostly faithful servants. 

You are reminding me that my namesake was far from immaculate.  But his heart was after your heart. And his Psalms – his cries of anguish – have encouraged millions over the centuries, to pick up the pieces and try again.  Where would we be, if you were not the God of second chances?

Now, my son, you are coming to me in open-handed humility, begging me to have mercy on you, a sinner. This is a good way to start the fast.

I never, ever, would have done this, had I not so blown it in my own eyes, on the very first day.

I would not have allowed you to present yourself as any more perfected than you are.

Forgive me, Father, for having wanted to appear more than I am.

I do forgive you, my son. Your repentance is genuine. You may fall short of the mark again, but it will be your mark, not mine. Your expectations for yourself, not mine.

I can do this.

We can do this.

What we have now is far more mature than what I would have given them. 

Which will be more useful to me?

This, I suppose. But you know how much I still don’t want to put it up there, for all to see.

Public repentance loses its appeal when the individual who approves of it has to demonstrate how it works. 

Hmm.

Ponder well, my son. The buck stops right where you are sitting.

Amen.

Once Upon A Prayer Journal...Day 1

CLF21 Day 1 DM

Avalon, 9:30 AM, wt. 240 ½  

The Starting Line

Note to reader: I am going to keep a daily record of my journal entries that pertain to Christian Life Fellowship’s 21-day Church Fast.  I’ll put my initials at the end of the daily document name, in case anyone is moved to do likewise. Each entry will open with its own place-and-time stamp, plus a phrase to remind me of the gist of it.  Mine will also include my weight, as part of my fast will be to finally eat the way I am supposed to. 

The other parts will be to get a good hour of exercise every other day, and to eschew mindless time-wasting (i.e., dumb TV). Most challenging of all will be to walk in love, as described in I Corinthians 13, under all circumstances, even the most difficult.

Another thing I will do, will be to ask the Lord each morning for appropriate Scriptures.  If any thoughts come that might be worth sharing, I will include them in brackets, as I have these.

The Starting Line

Why do we fast?  

 To draw closer to God.  To do this, we set aside distractions, including those – especially those – we may be fond of, but we know He is not.  We’ve done this before, some of us many times.  And as much as we would prefer to arrive at the finish line without having to run the race, we know there are no shortcuts.

But this time will be different in one respect: we’ll be doing it together.  Taking strength and encouragement from one another, praying for other another, and for all of us. As we do, we’ll be aware that God may have a corporate call on all of us, in addition to our individual callings.  “Other sheep I have, which are not of this fold; them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold and one shepherd.” (John 10:16) Soon, He will be putting all His sheep – those who know His voice and follow Him (John 10:4) – together.

Good grief! All those strange sheep suddenly lumped together in our fold – how will we ever get along? Simple: I know you hear Him, or you wouldn’t be here.  And you know the same about me. Anyone who does not yet know they can hear Him in their heart, much less carry on a dialogue with Him on paper, should get a copy of Once Upon a Prayer and do the exercise in Chapter 11.

 He will speak differently to each of us, as each of us is unique.  To the accountant He may sound like a Master Accountant. To a poet, He may speak with unsurpassed lyrical beauty.  To a child, He may sound like the best Home-Room teacher ever. To the discerning ear testing the spirit behind the utterances, they all have one thing in common: they emanate from His love for us.  Indeed, that Love is the foundation of our relationship with Him.  The depth of His love for us, that He would send His only Son to die for us – and would have sent Him, if we were the only one – that is what blew our mind in the beginning.  And still does, when we take the time to think about it.

To a calloused old hand like myself, who’s been doing this with Him for 17 years, He might use terms that will sound harsh to a newcomer. He will speak to me in terms of tough love, that night sound harsh to a beginner.  But believe me, His tough love is often the best love of all, because you know it isn’t coming from you.

What follows is a segment from my dialogue with Him this morning, about CLF21.  He was gently suggesting that I should make our pertinent dialogue public, and I was vehemently resisting.  I am in plain black; He is in bold blue italics.       

V V V

Father, you want me to lead, out front, by my example.

Would you prefer to lead from the safety of the rear echelons?

Honestly?  Yes. That way, if I blow it, or am less than faithful, or lose the love-walk, it won’t be so noticeable.   

You don’t want your sin to show.

You always skewer it, don’t you.

Would you rather I avoided bruising your feelings?

No.  Actually, I think you did in the beginning, when I was unsure of your love, but that was a long time ago.  Most days, I would repair back to you frequently, and at critical times I would be listening inwardly, non-stop. Which is, I suppose, a form of “Praying without ceasing.” (I Thes. 5:17)  It’s that way more and more now, and come to think of it, I suspect that’s probably one of the goals of CLF21.

To see it is one thing; to do it is another.

Amen.

Once Upon A Prayer Daily Journal

Dear Friends, disciples and lovers of truth. This blog is to showcase my daily walk with the Lord as He communicates and leads me in His mercy and love.

These daily talks are based on the book "Once Upon A Prayer," that I wrote outlining the exercises whereby any believer could hear directly from the Lord and establish a deeper relationship with our Creator and Redeemer.

I pray you find my examples here useful as we fast and pray in the new year.

God bless,

David